Let's Go To The Mall

This weekend, I locked myself in my room...

...and watched the full first season/4 episodes of the second season of How I Met Your Mother.

It was beautifully mind numbing and intriguing at the same time.

Sam

My Self Identity

And it's times like these where I like to ask myself...

Who the fuck am I?

Sam

Brushing my Teeth

I hate the feeling my mouth gets when I forget to brush my teeth for a day.





It feels like a sand storm hit the inside of my mouth. It feels dirty and unnatural.

Sam

Shuffle

These two albums are stuck on repeat.

Sam

Where do I Belong?

I feel so lost here.

Is Peoria my home or Wheeling? Because right now, I don't feel like I belong to either. I want a place of permanence with only my close friends, not a expensive jail cell that looks like a tornado has run right through it.

Can I just find the right place to be?

Sam

Old Soul Song

"And just when I get so lonesome, I can't speak

I see some flowers on the hillside

Like a wall of new TVs
Yeah, they go wild."

~Bright Eyes~

Sam

Telephone

My Grandparents called me today.

It was one of the most heartwarming conversations I have been in for a while. My grandma just called to tell me how proud she was of me. Simple enough.

And she couldn't stop repeating how much she misses me and how she couldn't wait until I came home.

Little did you know, Grandma, that I was thinking the same, exact thing.

Sam

Wurlwind

I absolutely love the sight of tornado leaves.

It's pure beauty watching the wind take the leaves in its grasp.

Sometimes I wish the wind was strong enough to carry me in its arms.

Sam

Singing Along

Sometimes you just have to lock your door, and blast the music to full volume.

It's even acceptable if you sing along.

Sam

Paper

I need a Journal, STAT

Sam

Babies

I have held a newborn in my arms as he rested his head on my shoulder.

I have heard the screetching tears and the addictive laughter; the poisionous smile and the rotten frown make it unbearable to stop staring. The delicacy of the body warmth against my forearms steadies my shakiness. The kind of laughter where they laugh until they regurgitate the food eaten 30 minutes ago.

I'm sorry to say this but:

Grandma and Grandpa- You aren't going to have a great grandson/daughter

Mom and Dad- You aren't going to have a grandson/daughter

Robert, Leana, Greta, Eric, Michael and Hannah- You aren't going to have a second cousin

Uncle Barry, Aunt Sharon, Uncle Bob, Aunt Janet, Aunt Lily and Uncle Kurt- You aren't going to have a great niece/nephew

Sam

Oh, Music, Play Me a Melody

I'm 99.9% sure of deciding on a major.

I've rented my violin

I'm perfecting my scales

I'm callousing my fingers

I'm marking my music

I've tuned my strings

I've plucked through my old solos

But I've only been practicing for an hour.

Sam

Making Mom and Dad Proud

I scheduled an appointment for therapy.

November 2nd at 1:30pm.

Sam

Hypothetically Speaking...

Picture this!

Form the image of one of your favorite bands. They're looking quite spiffy arent they? Now image you are listening to their best album they ever written. Like the album in which you can listen to on repeat all day night still thinking it's a major breakthrough in music history! Now, imagine finding out that they are playing a show in your hometown. And in this show, they are going to be playing that same, brilliant album...first to last song, all live. How crazed will you be? Probably jumping up and down in your seat, shaking profusely, and a smile from cheek to cheek. Imagine, now, asking your mother if you are free that night to attend this wonderous event. She agreed to it. Another major score!

Now, go on Ticketmaster.com to purchase your tickets. Click on 'Find Tickets' Now watch as the message: 'Must be 21 or older' appear on the screen. You take out your state ID and realize: HOLY SHIT, I'M ONLY 18!! You suddenly get this feeling of taking the nearest vehicle (yours or a strangers) and drive it off of a cliff into the Grand Canyon in which it will make sudden contact with the bottom, and set aflame.

Cursive-playing all of the album 'Domestica' at Subterranean in Chicago. If you are 21 or older, DO NOT MISS THIS OPPORTUNITY. And possibly sneak in a video camera (preferably in HD with a steady hand).

Sam

Waking Up

This morning, I was awaken to the static of my alarm at 9:40am.

I remember waking up in a panic. I didn't know where I was and what I was doing here. I remember looking the perimeter around the room and freaking out. I forgot what time I had to go to class and I forgot that I was in Peoria.

...Even though it lasted 15 seconds.

Sam

Self-Praise

In order to be confident, you must think highly of yourself.

I'm an average person. No outstanding talents nor traits. Maybe I'm shorter than most, but what makes me different than most?

Maybe that is my purpose in life...to find how I differ from the next 5 foot 4 Inched 128 pound male out there.

And you know what? I'm completely fine with that.

Sam

Life's Blueprint

The real scary part of college is...

Doing all this work; trying to pass classes and receive good grades on papers and tests. And what for? To finish in 4 or 5 years to realize, "Oh shit, what next?" Struggling to find a job and trying to afford a shitty apartment, food to put on the table, electricity, doctor appointments, gas for the car, taxes, phone bill, air conditioning, entertainment, clothes, and other necessities that I missed.



And worse...



What if you plan to have a family? I will have to quadruple our income in order to make the American Dream a possible dream. Giving up the shitty apartment life up to find a suitable house where I can properly raise a family, and paying for all those expenses for a wife and children.



What if I told you...



That the American life isn't for me. Yes, I totally love the freedom of making my own decisions, but why must it come at such a pricey cost? I don't live by how much money I have and what materialistic possessions I own, I care about my sanity and happiness. And that is all I want. I don't want children nor a wife because if I am unable to take care of myself, why would I be so selfish to create a kid out of my own flesh and blood? What if I just want to travel cross country exploring all the cites and states while living in cheap motels? Cuz right now, that is what I want to do and what will make me happy.





Sam

Sweet Home

Chicago.


Do you miss me as much as I do?








Sam

Even Winning Feels Bad

There's a crowd tonight that I'm not going to please.

Feels I'm desperately reaching for something that was there for like a day.

It went away, now I've got nothing left to say.
So I'm not gonna stay, going "Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Baby, I won't impress you no matter what.

Hey, would you like me if I stayed forever young?

Well it sucks, but no one does, get used to staying out of touch.

And would you like me if I stayed forever young?

Well it sucks, but no one does, get used to staying out of touch.

There's a man tonight that I don't want to meet.

Feels like I'm competing to be famous hoping one day I can be.

On a list of D-rate celebrities.

I think I would rather leave, I've got my bag over my sleeve.

And my ticket out of town expires tonight.

Hey, would you like me if I stayed forever young?

Well it sucks, but no one does, get used to staying out of touch.

And would you like me if I stayed forever young?

Well it sucks, but no one does, get used to staying out of touch.

With everyone you'll ever meet.

Continue being awkward in all social surroundings.

~Bomb The Music Industry~

Sam

No Key, No Plan

You never earned your soul

I know

You never earned your soul

I know

You never earned your soul

I know

But I'm gonna try!

~Okkervil River~

Sam

My Mistake

I wish I stuck with you

Instead of mourning over her.
I didn't mean the words I told you
I really didnt.













Sam

Discussed Over Tea

And so it goes
as mom sipped her black tea
out of that circular teapot. And dad
looking so far away. Was he there?
Those dreaded words no son wants to hear
from their parents.
"Sam, we need to talk."
Those were words that needed no other explainations.
Just sitting there, listening to these worrysome words
flow out of their mouths, doing backflips in the air
and landing ever so gently in my ears.
"I think you need therapy."
I remember a pool forming underneath my eyes.
About time I show that I am human. Because lately,
I've been feeling like a robot to them. I've been
holding back. Especially from them. I've been
keeping it inside. Letting it boil and stew. Waiting for the hole in my stomach to expand.



I didn't accept
nor decline. I'm
indecisive. All I know
is that I used to be
happier.
All I know is that
I've been hiding from my parents
and most of my friends. And I'm tired
of being a ghost. Tired of being
afraid of what they think of me.


Sam

Growing Up and Old

Everyday, I wish for the clocks to turn back.

Sunday morning was perfect at 2AM. I enjoyed just sitting in your basement, watching old school nicktoons. I even remember telling you "I really miss MY life." My life was nicktoons. And it sucks to get punched in the face by realizations when you least expect them to. I even remember shedding a tear before falling asleep last night.

Yes, I do need to accept the fact that every time the clock strikes midnight, I am another day older. I'm dreading the midnights and the thoughts that tag along with it. I'm truly scared of growing up. I don't want to settle down with a wife and two children along the coastline. I want to still be in that 2 bedroom apartment in some shitty neighborhood watching my fucking Rugrats episode.

Grown ups live their lives just like a McDonald chains. Everything has to be done so quick and fast and perfect. I cannot keep up. I'm a slow person who appreciates the ins and outs of life too much. Is that so bad? I don't need to be in an office working 9-5 everyday because that doesn't make me happy. This new way of life doesn't make me feel pleased, it makes me feel unsettled.

Sam

Repetition

Glad to know when you said you wouldn't do it again....










You went and did it anyway.


Sam

My Dream Last Night

It's a scary one so grab your popcorn!

I decided to take a surprise trip to Naperville to surprise my friend Cassandra for no apparent reason. It was a nice fall day, the leaves were changing colors, and it was quite a distraction while I was driving. BUT I made it to her house in one piece. But, I stepped out of the car, and it started to snow. I couldn't believe it because it was still 60 degrees outside. I looked up to make sure there were no kids just throwing fake snow from the roof of the apartment, but it didn't come from the sky.

I slowly walked to the door in disbelief and ring her bell. There's no answer. I turned around and there were two snowmen at the edge of the lawn. I rubbed my eyes to make sure I saw correctly because I didn't see them when I walked to the door. So, I turned around and took out my phone to call Cassandra. No response. I turn around again, the snowmen somehow moved closer to me. This time, the heads blew off each of them to expose the faces of my friends Kayla Huber and Kelly Westra. They appeared to be sleeping and unconscious. So, I banged louder on the door hoping that anyone would hear me. But, no response. I turned around, and the second snowball of the snowmen disappeared and exposed Kayla's and Kelly's bodies.

I make a quick dash to my car. I opened my side of the car and stuck the key into the ignition. I turned to look at the passenger seat, and there was Cassandra! But, she didn't look like herself at all. She looked extremely pale and had dark circles under her red eyes. When did Cassandra obtain red eyes? So, I took the key out of the ignition, but Cassandra firmly gripped my wrist and said "Come on, Sam, give me a hug!" And she outstretched her hands to give me one, and then I darted out of my car.

The snowmen were gone and see Kayla and Kelly lying on the snow, unconscious. I go in-between them to check if they are alright. Out of the blue, both of them gripped my ankles and started shoving me into the ground. I scream and scramble as the snow makes it to my chest. They quickly let go of my ankles and shoved me into the snow by pushing on my head. I tried to dig myself out of the snow, but the top seemed to harden and I couldn't even punch myself out.

All the sudden, I'm lifted by a strange force out of the snow. But when I got back up to surface, I'm inside the snowman! I look through the eye holes of the snowman, and see my friend Joey Cirignani walking to Cassandra's door! I tried to scream Joey to turn around and leave, but the first ball of the snowman disappeared and I went unconscious.

Don't get nightmares!

Sam

Paying Rent

I haven't been this happy in a while.

I just found out that I most likely will be living in a house next year at Bradley. I'll be rooming with my friend Curtis! It'll give me a great life experience living with a roommate in a house paying rent. The house we are looking at is 325 a month! And best new: Parents have agreed!

Sam

A Letter to my Professor

Dear Mr Kasambira,

Why do I even wake up for your 9 o clock class? You have to wake me up at 8:30 every morning so I can scramble to class to do what? Listen to you talk about something completely off subject! I could have spent that 50 minutes in my cozy bed with my blankets pulled over my head. And let me tell you something. I don't read any assignments. Why should I, when you already make a study guide that has all the test questions already on it? You are a nice guy and an entertaining person, but you really need to make this class time worthwhile.

Thank you

Sam

Acting on Impulse

I need to write again.



Put the pen to the paper and write beauty. I wanna write something I'm proud of and something that will leave its mark. I wanna sing the melody and write the most profound lyrics. I wanna play the instruments I quit as a child (Piano, guitar, violin, and bass) and play one new instrument (probably drums, but extremely unrealistic).



Just give me that pen, and the paper to spill lines on, and I am ready.





Sam

A Look in the Wrong Direction

When all I wanna do is try to keep myself happy,

Why does everyone make it feel like it's the wrong thing to do?











Sam

Shadows

What if we were all shadows
And when the sunlight hit us,
it would reflect our features on the sidewalk?



Sam

A Need for Change

I've been looking through all my posts, and realized that basically my latest postings were all on depressing topics.

I want to make a change. I don't know if I can or have the absolute will power to do so. I wish I can think happy thoughts, I really do. Instead, I put all my focus onto the negative ones and I think that is what is tearing me apart.

I wish I can just focus on beauty and not care about what needs to be done. I wish I can just stop thinking and focus on now. But this always slows me down. I always have to smiling and laughing to cover up to the world how I really feel. And I even begin to forget if I'm happy because I'm happy or happy as a cover up.

"So hold on just a little bit longer

At least through the night.

At least until the morning

Hold on

Hold on to me

I can hardly stand

Much less the sight of myself

So hold on

Hold on tight, dear

Put your foot on the gas

Get me the fuck outta here"

~O'Rourke's, 1:20 A.M. by The Good Life~

Sam

Arrows Pointing at Which Direction?

My mind has changed so frequently about what I wanna be when I grow up, that I feel like I'm losing a bit of myself along the way.

Junior year, I wanted to manage bands with a music business major. I love working with local bands and promoting them (The good ones that is). I would set up charity events with a set full of good local bands. I would truely enjoy that as a living. But the thing that set me away from that dream is that I'm a bad business man. I cannot pay attention/even stay awake during business class. So, I guess I let that distract me from being that.

Next, I wanted to be a creative writer. My self esteem was built when my poem I worked so hard on was admitted into the literary magazine. Not only that, but it was the final poem before the book ended. But, then I thought about it and came to a conclusion that it is a tough industry to get heard and that I didn't have any ability that would make my work stand out. Dream destroyed.

Then, I wanted to be a special education helper/teacher. I loved working with kids especially with autism. I had a great friend in middle school who had some mental disabilites. I also was a big support in my elementary school for the NSSEO program. (The special Ed department). But, I don't feel comfortable speaking in front of large groups of people. So I strayed away from that.

Following that, I wanted to be a social worker. I love the one on one interaction with people. I want to fix problems people have and be a constant support. I thought I'd fit well with that since I love knowing what is going on in individuals lives. But, I thought about it and thought that it would be a hard profession to get into and I don't necessarily know if that I would stick out by doing that. So, I buried that as of right now.

THEN! I was so down in the dumps that I didn't know what I wanted to be, that I thought something simple would fit my needs. Like bartending. I would just like to serve others and help them "Loosen up." Also, I thought I would have a foot in the door since I worked at starbucks for two years and already knew how to make coffee drinks. But, I was getting a lot of discouragement from others saying that it isn't a career and that it won't support me. People thought it would be a good side job, but not a good career. And I don't think my parents would be too happy sending their child off to an expensive 4 year private university just so he can be a bartender. Bye Bye dreams of being a bartender.

Right now, I'm focusing on working in recording studios. Some of my heroes and people I look up to (Conor Oberst and Tim Kasher and Mike Mogus) all were a part of Saddle Creek Records in Omaha, Nebraska. I thought I can try this field out. I really want to at least intern at a recording studio, but my dream place would be Saddle Creek. And the only thing prohibiting me from that is the fact that you have to have a major of music and must be heading in that career direction. And I keep beating myself up that I quit my violin because you need to play an instrument to be a music major. And my dad gave my violin away to a family friend and they said that something is wrong with my violin that it would cost a lot of money to fix. So, I'm dwindling on that idea, but it's kinda still with me.

As you can see, my mind likes to screw around with me!

Sam

My mother

I still feel like I have a mother who treats me like I'm 7.

It's bad to say, but I'm sometimes embarassed to be seen with her when she ends her sentences in 'honey' and 'sweetie.' I understand she loves me, I really get that. But is there such thing as too much? I always remember what she would tell me: "There is no such thing as too much love." But I'm beginning to doubt that.

I feel awful that I can't be that son she is picturing in her head. This son is too selfish and moody to fit her image. She still sees me as a child running around in my red shirt and blue overalls. She'd show me a picture of that day and say that I look exactly like her. And I do.

I hate when she yells though and she does that somewhat frequently. She purposely yells to make me feel bad for her. I have learned to distance myself from her recently. I keep answers short and precise in case I upset her. She's always there to point out when I do something wrong.

But I do love her. I know she raised me well and that I could have had it a lot worse. I was raised in a great household and I have a great family. And I am thankful for it, even though I don't show it.

Sam