Check All That Apply

We all have our different perspectives.

You may view me as an incredibly happy person due to the fact that you've only scraped past one layer of me. There is nothing wrong with that. Sometimes I just need people to see me as purely blissful without a stress in the world.

You may view me as an neurotic since I'm constantly saying, doing, and acting differently from the public. You may possibly just be a stranger on your way to a Chem lab while I'm returning from my Sociology class occasionally exchanging eye contact. You can give me that smile while I return it with a blank stare. Or, I can be that really vexatious teenager sitting with a couple of friends on the opposite side of a restaurant. You can be the reserved adult occasionally passing an outlandish look on your face in response to all the commotion. But, I can be that guy curled up in my bed, observing the minutes pass by....completely knowing that that will be the last time the clock reads the same time on that given date.

You may view me as a anxious person because I'm a 19 year old child afraid of growing up and being alone. Being afraid of disappointing my peers, community, and family is only half the battle. I'm afraid that I will go unnoticed. I'm terrified that I'm going to be that reclusive old man in a two bedroom apartment living with 5 dogs... the guy who is brainwashed by the dying American Dream of a white collared, 'married with children' guy with a structured settlement living in the safe suburbs. I won't settle for that. I won't be that person, no matter how many times I get yelled at for piercing my ear, wearing tight clothes, or thoughts of getting a noticeable tattoo.

You may view me as a loner resting on the fact alone that you have not met me. Sure, you may know I'm Sam Rosen and that I love my vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles. But, have you dug inside my cursivemind? Have you even experienced something life changing with me? Have you ever held my hand, not because we're dating, but because we are scared? Have you ever asked about my past, my problems now, or what my plans are for the future? Have you ever checked up on me after a full day of confinement? Do you know why I smile, laugh, cry, panic?

Maybe you haven't even met me yet. You are possibly somewhere in Dallas, Texas while I'm stuck here in this college cell, rotting away while I watch sitcoms all day. Scribbling my notes onto lined notebook paper, slowly losing my mind. Maybe our paths will intersect someday, Dallas. And when that day comes, Who will I be?

Sam

Don't Give Up On Me

No one is ever alone.

Everyone has someone whether they take notice to them or not. I know that somewhere in the back of my mind. No matter how many times I sit all alone in my dorm room for countless hours at a time, I know there are people who care for me. They may be here, back home, or across the country, but they're still there.

No matter how I may complain how lonely I feel, or how I don't 'fit in' with anyone, I know there is someone there to tell me 'I'm here for you.' Even though I may need constant reassurance, it'll eventually stick.

So don't give up on me.

Sam

Let's Multiply

I wish I can split myself into several bodies and spread myself all over the world.

Sam

Home is Where the Heart Grows Fonder

I've come to realize...

I belong home. I belong somewhere where I can be surrounded by a group of friends I love unconditionally. Home is somewhere I don't dread going. College, on the other hand, is a huge dread. My motivations been dead for weeks and I can't seem to pull myself out of this rut I've dug for myself.

I know I just came back, but I want to go home and remain there.

Sam

"I Want You To Hit Me As Hard As You Can"

After 3 times of viewing, I fully understand Fight Club.
Took me long enough








Sam

State of Mind

My imagination is finally coming back!

It's about time.






Sam

Bike Scene

"I wanna hate you so bad
But I can't stop this
anymore than you can."


~Taking Back Sunday~




Sam

Racing

My thoughts run faster than my legs, mind, and arms combined.

Sam

Southern Rock

"I got so scared that I forgot my name.
And that'll be me someday
with stolen wings and evil ways.
Straight south with the keys to the pearly gates."





~Alkaline Trio~











Sam

Weight

And I've come to realize
this is my body,
my life.


There is only one
I choose what I put in it
I choose what I want to do with it.




We all should love our body
for every pound put on
or taken away
because if we live such bitter lives
the least we should do is have a body to support
the decisions our brain makes.



Accept every curve,
every bump, bruise, cut, scratch.
Welcome it with love and acceptance.



There is only one.











Sam

Under My Umbrella

"These eyes are not your eyes

and these eyes are not the color that your arid eyes might be.

No, I was not around

when those eyes of yours decided so.

I refuse to kneel before the sights you choose to see."

~Incubus~

Sam

My Novel

My mission:

To write a complete story. One that I am completely content with and one that is perfect in my eyes.

















Sam

To Whomever This May Concern

I miss you

Sam

Road to Joy

I would like to know the whereabouts.



Give me a street name,
an intersection,
a surrounding landmark,
a geographic point.



Anything.



Just get me there.











Sam

Thanksgiving

Just thinking about next week quickens my heart rate.

I need to be around my home atmosphere with my friends and family. A place where school is put in the backseat and my loved ones takes the wheel. I believe they are the ones who keep me sane and gives me something to look forward to.

A six day break is not long enough, but it is beneficial. I can live with it, but I know it'll end as soon as I turn around. Even though these 'tease' breaks give a glimpse of our past, I have to use it to my advantage.

Sam

Within my Confinement

I finally see the beauty in loneliness.

Sam

Dependency

I find it so funny that YOU were the one to tell ME that I needed to find myself because I became dependent on YOU.

Am I the one begging my friends to see how and what you are doing?

Am I the one copying everything I say here onto your blog?

Am I the one constantly trying to make things better after you repeatedly broke every ounce of love and trust in this body?

That is YOU, not ME.

Sam

Stick With Me

I'm almost fed up.

I'm tired of people taking what they need from me and leaving. I got used to thinking that it wouldn't be a big deal if I just kept this attitude of "If I stick around long enough, maybe I'll get something in return." But, after constant let downs and constant thinking, I won't put up with this anymore. Friends are supposed to be there for you 24/7, not whenever you need me for your own selfish ways.

I'm so close of calling it quits.

Sam

Emotional Breakthrough

I wish I can be happy to the point where you'd regret ever breaking up with me.

I'd want to be at the emotional level where I don't have to think about you anymore. Where I can just live my life free of constantly reflecting on the past. If/when I get to the point where it doesn't twists my insides everytime a reflection pops up...

Maybe then, we can be friends.

Sam

"Alter" Blog

If you thought one blog was hard enough to manage...try having two.

Just made an "Alter" Blog (http://www.samrosen.tumblr.com/)

But, don't worry blogger.com, this one will always be my pride and joy.

Sam

The Song Sends Shivers Down My Spine

"A Stone" By Okkervil River

















"Hot breath, rough skin, warm laughs and smiling,
the loveliest words, whispered and meant-you like
all these things. But, though you like all these things,
you love a stone. You love a stone because it's smooth
and it's cold. And you'd love most to be told that it's all
your own. You love white veins, you love hard grey,
the heaviest weight, the clumsiest shape, the earthiest smell,
hollowest tone-you love a stone. And I'm found too fast,
called too fond of flames, and then I'm phoning my friends,
and then I'm shouldering the blame, while you're picking
pebbles out of the drain, miles ago. You're out
singing songs, and I'm down shouting names at
the flickerless screen, going fucking insane. Am I
losing my cool, overstating my case? Well, baby,
what can I say? You know I never claimed that I
was a stone. And you love a stone. You love white
veins, you love hard grey, the heaviest weight,
the clumsiest shape, the earthiest smell, the
hollowest tone-you love a stone. You love
a stone, because it's dark, and it's old, and if
it could start being alive you'd stop living
alone. And I think I believe that, if stones could
dream, they'd dream being laid side-by-side,
piece-by-piece, and turned into a castle for some
towering queen they're unable to know. And when
that queen's daughter came of age, i think
she'd be lovely and stubborn and brave, and
suitors would journey from kingdoms away to make
themselves known. And I think that I know the
bitter dismay of a lover who brought fresh
bouquets every day when she turned him away to
remember some knave who once gave just one rose,
one day, years ago..."


Sam

Dizzy Spells

I get these terrible dizzy spells occasionally.



Today just happened to hand me one. It hit me in my Sociology class. I remember leaving the classroom, walking back to my dorm, and waking up in my bed with NIN playing on my ipod. I had no idea what happened in between those stages. I was checked out for the day.






I start feeling dizzy whenever I think too much. I remember getting lost in thought before my memory starts fading.





Sam

Fight Club

I watched the movie Fight Club in its entirety at last night.





Previously, I only saw chunks of the movie, but never the end part. So, you could imagine my reaction when Tyler revealed himself. (It pretty much looked like this...)


0______________________________0




And then I just thought about everything he did without his realization. Of course, I loved the ending when everything just exploded right in front of Tyler and Marla's eyes.








Sam

Sweet Tangerine

"Sweet Tangerine,
will you please
come back to me
Cause I don't think
that these feelings

are gonna leave.

Sweet melody,

you'll be singing

in you sleep.

But this time you're not

listening

to a word I say."

~The Hush Sound~

Sam

This Modern Love

Sex is now concidered a game and is an action to use when someone is 'lonely' and 'bored'.

I was brought up to view sex as an act of love and affection. You only use it when you care about a person so deeply. But now, my views have changed. It changed to abstinence since I am unable to love a person with my whole heart anymore.

I cringe whenever I see a couple publicly kissing. It's almost as if they want to rub it in society's face that they are a pair and they are 'happy' with each other.

I'm glad for you 'happy' couple, but no one likes to see this 'art of sticking a tongue down each others throats' publicly displayed on every sidewalk, corner, field, and building. Hell, even on Match.com commercials. Keep the passionate love to yourself. Because the couples who I am truly happy for are the ones who care about others and not just themselves.

Sam

Masks

There are many masks humans wear throughout the day.

It is required to be a student, friend, son/daughter, and your true mask. You gain more and lose less at times and there are some you regret wearing. There's always that one mask you just want to hold onto forever, and never let go.

For me, that's my childhood mask, but that one doesn't fit me anymore.

Sam

Daily Routine

I have been trapped in the groove of routine.

Lately, I have been feeling less human and more detached. I have dug myself a rut and cannot seem to dig myself out of it.

I need to add an element of surprise to my life.

Sam

Swapping Shoes

Sometimes I wish that I can live a life that is different from mine.

Just to see what it is like.








Sam

Look Alive

"The hardest thing is rendering a

moment moving too fast to endure

But you abide and smile wide cause

I want to remember this for sure

You can give me guns and politics and

I'll just make a mess of it, you know

Give me all the sustinance and

the wiser, wider part of me will shine

A picture says with sight

what we can't say in words

But you've been walking eyes to feet

in dark sunglasses

A picture will survive

so smile and look alive

The camera lens is opening

the wider angles' yours.

Yeah every empty one of us have methods

to quell the madness of this pace

But yours has bled and are running south

Like jealous Dior Mascara down your face

You could take that wait and all that fuss so

Now just get the best of us, you know

Give me love, not suicide and

the wise, wider part of me will show"

~Incubus~

Sam

Best Friend

I'm glad I found my best friend.








What constitutes as a best friend?

-In my book, a best friend needs you as much as you need them.
-They will wake up for that random 4am phone call.
-Distance doesn't mean shit for the intensity of the friendship, it just makes you want to reunite sooner.
-They are the voice of reason when strong emotions kick in and impairs judgement.
-You feel something missing when you aren't in close contact.
-They make you smile when your day is utter crap.
-They just...complete you.



Sam

My Love Rant

I have been in love once before.

The love was as alive as any human. It bloomed and reflected brighter than I had ever experienced. We planted our seeds and watched it grow. And the petals opened up to give off a wonderous fragerant.

But like every plant's cycle, we had to watch it wither and dry. Someone forgot to water our flower until we were forced to cut it out from the soil and trash it.

It's hard to see something so beautiful become just one of many in the grave of flowers. Something I fought so hard to preserve and sustain just became a dead dream. I always find myself visiting the tombstone of what we had too often. I have grown attached to this flower and find myself still subconsciously devoted to this idea. No matter how persistently I try to let go, you are chained to my wrist.



Will this be a baggage that I'll have to carry for the rest of my life? Because this baggage keeps accumulating so many unwanted thoughts and memories, that the suitcase can't even close anymore.





Sam

Pendulous Threads

I wish that one day, I'll wake up

and know that everything

is in the right place.

Sam

Dreams cost Money

My dad once told me this story when he was in college.

He was in an huge class lecture hall with 1,500 people. The professor instructed them to look to their left and to their right. One would drop out of college because of grades and the other would drop out because of homesickness/disinterest in college.

Lately, I've been thinking about the concept of college. I do not understand the point. Faculty put on their fake, smiling masks giving us the illusion that we can be whoever we want to be with hard work. But, don't be fooled! You need to pay 30,000 a year with no actual guarantee of being the dream person that is built up in the head.

We have to take all these pointless Gen Eds and regular classes, spend 12-16 hour a semester, come so close in having a spontaenous combustion, and constantly worry about the future, it seems like it isn't even worth it.

This just proves another point: money does make the world go round. Money speaks louder than minds. That's all this world has come down to.

Money

Sam

Acting on Instinct

In response to my dear friend Cassandra's post...

Yes, I am going to pierce my ears with her and yes, I am going to gauge them most likely to 0's or 00's at most.

It is true that I'm terrified of pain and needles, but I must grow up. This will be one of the ways that I can prove to myself that I can handle the pain. I can handle whatever it is that is thrown at me.

Sam

Nothing's Wrong

Is it bad to say that I do not apologize for the things I told you?

I don't apologize for the arguments
I don't apologize for yelling
I don't apologize for the ignorance.

I don't need to apologize for just protecting my feelings. I only need to apologize whenever I do something wrong.









Sam

Serving my Term

I hate how my days go by wasted.

Sitting in my room all alone has become extremely monotonous and to be quite frank, I'm just wasting my life away in this small prison cell.

I should be keeping myself busy, such as practicing violin (which I haven't picked up for days), or focus more on the paper I have to write. But, that's the problem, it's focus. I've been extremely distracted and lost in my thoughts to the point where I cannot operate.

Sam

Dig

"If I turn into another
Dig me up from under what is covering
The better part of me
Sing this song
Remind that we'll always have each other
When everything else is gone"

~Incubus~

Sam

Here's the Hint

I really wonder why certain people can't receive a hint.

Especially when I blatantly serve the hint on a silver platter and spoon feed it to them.

Sam

Lost in Thought

I am alive, but I'm not present.















Sam

Blurred Vision

My eyes get so weak
so bloodshot and so flimsy
that my vision starts to shake.




I lose control
of my thoughts and feelings
my sanity.




I can laugh hysterically
But what can that do?





I can cry like I just lost my grandmother
But how will that help anything?



I can kick, punch, glare, throw, smash, hurt, pry, snarl, feel, think, stare, overthink, pout, walk, listen, march, sleep, think, fake, beat, think, lay, stand, sit, overthink, type, write, confess, cry, hurt, think, smile, laugh




But what difference will that make?





Sam

Gift Giving

I love giving small gifts to people
who really help me bloom.

It makes me feel like I make a difference.











Sam

Apathy and Exhaustion

Since when did this day fly by so quickly?











Sam